grains of salt
touch the lightest laugh
darkness stirs
where sparks once flew
broken pieces glint
in a tired sun
lost moments
beg to breathe again
where a subtle glow
looks to start again
fighting the shadows
longing to feel
the way it did before
time has played
an unpredictable game
there is no going back
just forward
past the grains of salt
where tired light
gleams so bright
– – –
Words: free verse, c.b.w. 2017
(Timed writing: 10 minutes, no edits)
It’s been a loooooong time since the subject of my novel has come up here, in my head, or anywhere else. Some think I’ve given it up or just don’t care anymore, but nothing could be further from the truth. It’s always been lingering in the background waiting for me to come back to it.
Here’s where things get brutally honest. There were a number of reasons why I had to shelve my passion project. Most of them revolved around having no choice but to reorganize priorities. I’ve heard writers are supposed to have tunnel vision when writing and pushing for publication, but I refused to keep the blinders on when it came to being there for those I care about when they needed me the most. That meant redirecting my muse towards shorter writing projects so I could be at hospital beds, visit with friends who had limited time in this world, and provide extra care to aging furkids.
There was also the little thing of having to take care of myself. I needed to take a step back in a number areas of my life, so I could evaluate and adjust to so many changes that have taken place in the last three years. It’s been overwhelming to say the least and I’m not sorry for taking the time I needed. Slowly but surely, I’m coming back to things that have gathered dust during my absence.
Last week, my novel muse is started to whir back to life. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I opened the file for The Muse. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about after so much time …
Would I still like it?
Does it still read like a finished novel?
What about the Chapter 1 rewrite – does it still work?
With all those questions rolling around in my head, I read through the most recent draft. I still love it. Minutes later, I opened my Query Tracker spreadsheet and updated all the information I had for agents on my list (a lot has changed since my last round of query packages!). While it sucked to add a few more rejections to the list, it was energizing to select the next batch of agents that will be receiving query packages.
Now, here’s where things get fun. It turns out my muse had another surprise in store for me. My characters started talking to me again (I swear I’m not crazy!). The sequel for The Muse has been locked away for a while, but I opened up the file again and pulled my Novel Notebook from the shelf. I outlined two major sections of the plot and found I need to conjure up two new characters, and add depth to one that already exists. How cool is that?? It looks like this summer will be full of creativity and more world building!
Like so many other things in my life I’m sure the process will be slow, but it’s nice to be back on the novel front.
– – –
c.b.w. 2016
Falling into a space
too deep for light
Too many things to do
Too many things to feel
Too many things to hold onto
Just too many things
Beyond the usual stress,
not even chocolate and coffee can fix
It reaches deep and hollows out a secret place
Everything inside collapses
But no one knows
No one sees
Broken pieces stay hidden,
beneath the survival smile
Lost in the daily grind
Life goes on
The moment passes
Shadows lift
All those things fall away,
packed in boxes,
cleared out
Replaced with something lighter
Something unbroken
Making that false smile
real
– – –
c.b.w. 2015
A friend of mine loves this time of year because she loves the way a new box of crayons smells. I’m with her on this – there is nothing quite as wonderful as that waxy Crayola aroma. It means the crayons are perfectly sharp and that a new school year is about to begin.
At this time last year, I didn’t want to go back to work. My usual enthusiasm for teaching was buried under the huge weight of grief. Within days of losing a close friend to cancer I was expected to show up at work with a smile on my face and “get pumped” at professional development meetings. No amount of welcome back activities or fresh crayon smell was going to get me excited for a new school year.
Things only got worse as the school year progressed: Three more people passed on, including my Grandfather. I found myself pretending to be enthusiastic and happy, when I really just wanted to go home and cry. Some saw through it, but many did not. It’s funny how you find out who your real friends are when you are stuck in a very black hole. Even when I folded in on myself, they never gave up on me. I credit them with keeping me afloat.
I walked away from the last school year knowing I could’ve and should’ve done better. I didn’t do a horrible job, but I certainly didn’t reach my personal standard. My inner critic wanted to harp on this fact, but when it comes down to it, I was in survival mode. I did my job and my students learned what they needed to learn, but I couldn’t connect to them in a way I’ve been able to in the past. Quite honestly, I couldn’t connect with anyone.
After a year like that, I spent my summer healing and rediscovering my spark. It’s been two months of exploration. Two months of renewal. Two months of learning to live again for the sheer thrill of it. I did the things I loved most, traveled, and spent time with friends and family. It was all about reconnecting to everything that mattered most to me. And it worked.
I am excited to go back to work this year. So excited, in fact, that I’ve been working on curriculum for the last two weeks. I decided it was time to give my arsenal of lesson plans a much needed refresh. Instead of rehashing the same old thing, I’m opting to experiment with the Flipped Classroom Model.
It’s a terrifying thing to suddenly shift gears, but I’m relishing in the challenge. Aside from the issues I had to deal with last year, I realized I was bored. The last thing I want is for my students to feel the same way, so it’s time to shake things up.
So far, I’ve got class websites set up for both of my content areas and two weeks worth of lesson plans/assignments constructed and uploaded. I am literally getting up early in the morning to have extra time to work on it. Everything is looking awesome and I can’t wait to try it all out on my students.
Next, I’ll be heading into my classroom, (four days early!). I’m giving the place a mini-refresh by getting rid of some furniture and clutter. Since I got new student desks this year (OMG, so thrilled for this – the previous desks were over 20 years old), I’m considering a new desk configuration. I’ve had the same configuration for ten years, and I think it’s run its course. For the walls, I’ve ordered some new posters and they should be here any day!
It’s a new start and it feels really good. The grief is still there, but it serves as a more of a reminder that I was loved and I know how to love. That’s a powerful thing. Far more powerful than sadness or self-criticism.
My first official day back at work is next week. The day before, I plan on buying a fresh box of crayons. In the moments before a long day of professional meetings, I’m going to open the box and enjoy that “new start” smell.
– – –
What’s your favorite thing this week?
– – –
c.b.w. 2015
Wounds can heal, time guarantees,
the bleeding stops, the sting subsides.
Delicate stitches knit the seam closed,
until a scar remains, crooked tattoo.
The pain stays hidden, perfect facade,
often ignored but never forgotten.
Without a salve or primal scream,
left alone it grows and grows.
One final straw, the wound rips open
raw and exposed to unforgiving air.
Shivering cold, broken spine,
time can’t help, stitches unwind
Raindrops fall and clean the cut,
branches reach out, offer a crutch
Fluttering feathers, fragile cocoon,
nature’s Spring needle, work begins
The Northwoods, near Land O’Lakes, Wisconsin
Photo by: c.b.w. 2013
– – –
c.b.w. 2013
C.B. Wentworth 