Lighter

Standard

 

Falling into a space

too deep for light

Too many things to do

Too many things to feel

Too many things to hold onto

Just too many things

Beyond the usual stress,

not even chocolate and coffee can fix

It reaches deep and hollows out a secret place

Everything inside collapses

But no one knows

No one sees

Broken pieces stay hidden,

beneath the survival smile

Lost in the daily grind

Life goes on

The moment passes

Shadows lift

All those things fall away,

packed in boxes,

cleared out

Replaced with something lighter

Something unbroken

Making that false smile

real

 

– – –

c.b.w. 2015

Scribble Diary: Insomnia

100_5122
Standard

A small bout of insomnia gave me a little extra time over the weekend, so I pulled out my Scribble Diary. When I opened up to the next blank page, I knew it was meant to be – the prompts perfectly matched the day I had as well as some fairly recent events in my life.

Choice Of The Day:

My insomnia likely began because I got home late after a nice date with my husband. We noshed on Chipotle burritos and then headed to the nearest Half Price Books to peruse the used CDs. This is one of our favorite things to do because it’s the only place to find the music of what we call our era – the 90s – at an affordable price.

We spent a good hour combing through every CD, but then it all came down to the ultimate debate of what to get and what to put back. How nice that my Scribble Diary had a spot to record this momentous occasion! I’m already jamming to A Boy Named Goo as Goo Goo Dolls are among my all time favorite bands.

What I Can Hear Right Now:

Late night sounds are strange in my house. My dog was very upset that we were up waaaay past his bedtime and he wasn’t shy about letting us know he was annoyed. His high pitched whining is a lot like power drill on it’s highest speed.

Confession: I love true crime shows. Especially Dateline. I watch them all the time and my love of these shows baffles everyone I know. The happy-go-lucky, creative, nerd likes murder shows???? Yup, and my favorite true crime reporter is Keith Morrison. That guy can tell a story! Aside from him, I think my obsession with Dateline is two-fold. I’m fascinated by forensics and investigator methodology, but I also find comfort in knowing the bad guy is behind bars.

While the rest of the country is buried in snow, it’s 73 degrees and the crickets are going nuts outside my window. Summer is already trying to creep in and deep fry the air.

Something To Be Proud Of:

See A Haiku Victory!

Not To Do:

Obviously, sleeping was not in the cards so it ended up on this list until about 1 a.m.

Even though I had plenty energy the laundry pile was not going anywhere. And why should it when there’s another load in the dryer? I might as well take it all upstairs at once, right? Rationalizing is hard work.

John Carter was on television, so we decided to give it a try. I only made it through about half an hour before I decided this was a bad movie. The books are probably great, but the movie is just awful. No wonder it tanked.

In Conclusion:

A pretty good day!

– – –

c.b.w. 2015

Favorite Thing Friday: Gratitude

Standard

After stuffing myself with Thanksgiving turkey and spending time with family, I can’t forget to take a moment to be thankful for all the little blessings in my life. Every year, I like to sit down and make a list of 22 Moments of Gratitude and this year is no different.

1. My husband. It’s been 15 years and I still find myself falling in love with him.

2. Moments when Grandpa tells a great joke.

3. Time with my mother, to write or to talk.

4 Fridays with my sister. I love how we laugh.

5. Both of my furkids are still wagging their tails. At 11 and 14 years old, I treasure every moment I have with them.

6. While I am still heartbroken at the loss of a dear friend, I am grateful for the memories that remind to smile.

7. Yarn on my knitting needles and a new stitch to learn.

8. Books that give my imagination a place to play.

9. My overactive muse, who never lets me sit still for very long.

11. Poetry in it’s many forms enlivens my senses.

12. The Cafe Mocha that soothes my soul and kickstarts my muse.

13. Refusing to become someone I’m not, no matter how much a situation tries to break me.

14. My editor. She helped me make my novel something I can be really proud of.

15. A small paycheck that always stretches out to be enough.

16. A crockpot that makes it easy to cook.

17. My readers, who fill my world with encouragement.

18. The natural world still moves me. I see the sun rise every morning and it always stuns me.

19. Laughing is still my favorite thing.

20. Finding empowerment in the choice to be happy, instead of relying on something or someone to make it happen.

21. The call to go somewhere new and consider a new start.

22. No matter what, I can always find my joy.

– – –

Previous Moments of Gratitude:

22 Moments of Gratitude

22 More Moments of Gratitude

Yet Another 22 Moments of Gratitude

– – –

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

– – –

c.b.w. 2014

Seated At The End

Standard

Every time the door opens she looks up. This time it’s a woman with two small children and not the person she is supposed to meet. She arrived an hour ahead of time in order to calm her nerves with a cup of tea. It’s been years since the word “date” had any meaning in her life and the idea going back into the proverbial sea of fish is terrifying, not to mention humiliating.

Her best friend picked the guy. She said he was nice looking and knew the feeling of a divorce. This could be good or bad. Two souls ripe with hurt had a shot of finding comfort in one another, but they could also feed each other’s insecurities and open a new door to Relationship Hell. Then again, nothing could happen as well. Some people just don’t click no matter what they have in common.

She rubs her temples and takes a deep breath. Once again, she’s over analyzing the situation. All those self-help and pop psychology books on her shelf have screwed up her mind more than the trauma of having to start over again. Those books are full of advice, but short on the truth. No one likes to talk about the tricky business of accepting how nothing will ever be the same. It doesn’t matter how much you reinvent yourself because the past you loved is gone. And it’s never coming back.

Fifteen minutes before he is supposed to arrive, the door opens. A man walks in and eyes each table in the cafe as if he’s looking for someone. Could this be him? He is tall with salt and pepper hair and has a kind face. Not bad at all, she thinks. She sits up straight and adjusts her red sweater. In her last text message to him, she told him to look for the woman in red.

His eyes catch hers and then look past her to someone sitting two tables down. His face lights up with a smile and twinkling eyes when he recognizes a woman who is probably half his age. In the name of preserving what is left of her self-esteem, she decides the youngster is his daughter.

Laughter and conversation surround her on all sides. So many people having fun with friends, family, or new acquaintances. And here she is sitting all alone, wondering if she looks as lost and out of place as she feels. She tried to hide it with make-up and the red sweater, but who is she fooling, anyway? Certainly not herself.

The negative thoughts are starting to win, again. Stop. Stop. Stop. Good things are the result of good thoughts. Right? At least they are according to Dr. Whoever and his latest bestselling fix-all solution. Stop. Sarcasm doesn’t help, either.

With only ten minutes to meeting time, she swishes what remains of her black tea to stir up the flavor. There is nothing worse than a bitter end.

– – –

c.b.w. 2014

Are You Sure?

Standard

There are days where I question the choices I’ve made. Truth be told, days like this are becoming more frequent. It’s like every element of my life is playing a little game with me called, “Are you sure?”

Honestly, I don’t know.

Perhaps, its a mid-life crisis attacking a bit early. Or maybe, I am just ready for a change. Admittedly, I am a creature of habit. My very organized self likes a schedule and gets a little thrill when everything works out as planned. This aspect of my personality was a mild quirk when I was younger, but after 14 years of teaching, it’s become a full-blown neurosis. I’m starting to realize this is making life a lot less fun.

Although, this feeling of “life doubt” could also be tied to what I consider a noticeably missing piece of my existence. Travel. Throughout my twenties and early thirties, I traveled extensively overseas. I saved and planned for it, because it was such an important part of my life. However, the last three years have been tough. Between budgets constraints and family concerns, I haven’t really gone anywhere. The fact that my bucket list has largely gone ignored is starting to bug me.

Then, there’s the undeniable fact that I’m tired. Exhausted, actually. Working 10-12 hours a day at a job that is getting increasingly more stressful and frustrating is starting to wear me down. As much as I love the art of teaching, it’s getting difficult to love where I work. I don’t know if it’s just one of those challenging years or if I’m reaching a point of total burn out. Thankfully, my students aren’t picking up my general feeling of frustration (I know this because they constantly tell me they like how positive it is in my classroom). At the same time, I am perusing job postings for possibilities that lie beyond my current station.

With all of this going on in my head, it’s surprising to me that I remain a total optimist. A little funk never wiped the smile off my face and it probably never will.

My family and my writing keep my fire burning. As my novel reaches the final stages of becoming a polished piece of work, I find myself excited to take the next steps. When it comes to the game of “Are you sure?,” this is the one thing where I know the answer is a definite “Yes!”

After a crappy day at work, I love escaping into my dreamworld where my novel finds its way into print. I can wander into lines of poetry and fuss over plot holes while drinking my Muse Juice (Cafe Mocha). When all else fails, there is the beautiful dream of being able to write (and maybe knit a little) all day long. Lucky for me, my husband and furkids are cool with joining me on this journey.

Of course, the game of “Are you sure?” has the added bonus of motivating real change. Besides reconsidering my job situation, there have also been a number of discussions regarding a change of location. We’re thinking the Pacific Northwest might be a nice change of scenery within the next few years. A road trip to scope it out is in the planning stages. Am I sure about moving? Not really, but I’m excited to explore the possibility of something new.

Aside from considering major life changes, I’ve started stuffing money aside for a trip to Amsterdam. My bucket list is in dire need of a check mark and my soul craves the touch of a new experience.

– – –

c.b.w. 2014